Momster.

Whenever I lose my temper and go off on my daughter….I feel like a monster. Now this is usually after I’ve exercised what I feel is a lot of patience. I asked her to bring me a bottle of juice out of the mini fridge we have last night (which was literally two steps from where we were sitting) 

Her: juice?

Me: yes, it’s in a green clear bottle, right on the door..

Her: (closes the fridge to look on the door)

Me: no on the inside but on the door..

Her:  (pulls out a container with a green top)

Me: Audi..I said green bottle… that’s not a bottle.

Her: (toss container back in, spilling a cup of juice she put on the shelf earlier) 

Me: ok Audi nevermind! I got it I got it. 

Her: sorry mommy

Me: (proceeds to clean up the spill and go off)

My going off was basically telling her it didn’t seem like she was paying attention. She knows her colors and shapes and has for quite some time now. This was too easy of a task….As I’m saying this she is picking at the empty space where her tooth used to be, sliding in slow motion off the bed. Which in my mind says….”I couldn’t care less about what she’s​ saying lalala lalala” I pointed out how she isn’t paying attention now..then I just said forget it and went back to watching a show on my phone. She then snuggles up under me…

It amazes me how children will cuddle up to you even after scolding them. It made me think, ugh Anita it’s just a spill. She is 6. She is a kid. This is what happens sometimes when you ask her to do something you can EASILY DO YOURSELF. Anita you fuss too much. She’s going to end up hating you. You suck at momming. You should have never had a kid.

I apologized for yelling.

Her: it’s ok mommy I deserved it.

Me: well no we all make mistakes and I’m sure you didn’t make your juice spill on purpose. And no one deserves to be spoken to like that. ( Of course some people but I didn’t want get too deep and stray)

Her: no mommy anytime you get mad at something I did I deserve you yelling at me.

Now at this point I’m about to cry. And tell her she is sugar and spice and everything nice and I’m a bad person, and I’m sorry you got me as a mom.  But. I remember. My daughter is very clever. So this could be one of her Yea I’m about to make mommy regret all that fussin she just did moments. This is the same kid who will just for laughs, while in the store, say​ in a loud tone, so everyone can hear ” what did you say mommy? That you don’t love me anymore? What did I do?! I wish you would love me again!”…… and while everyone stares at me in silence…she has a grin on her face…yes…my daughter. Totally something I’d do, she’s so much like me it’s crazy. So I get a grip of my heart, shove it back in my chest, tell it to sit down and shut up and I explained.

Me: Autumn, there are times when you deserve to be disciplined yes and even punished; but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be spoken to any kind of way. Most people including me raise their voice when they get upset. Doesn’t mean it’s ok. We should all try to control our temper even when someone does something to make us angry.

Her: ok mommy…. what’s a temper?

Moments like that to me are the hardest and what it is to be a parent. Going to work, earning​ money, to buy food, clothes, toys, bills and all that is the easy part. It’s really what I’d do even if I didn’t have a kid..but the teaching and explaining and self examination while still trying to be a good example.. is the hard part. And I know ten years from now, God willing, when she comes to me to tell me the kind of car she wants…. I’ll miss these, spills on floor days.  Cheers to parenting!

Artwork by Autumn 😍

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Year 28

My 28th year has been thee craziest year I’ve had in awhile.

 Let’s see I: for the first time took on the role of what it means to be head of the house as my mother underwent the whipple procedure.

Cared for my mom following the procedure

Drove long distance by myself (4 separate times)

Fell in love, gave up 4years of celibacy, got heart broken!!!

Set a goal to lose weight and achieved​ it

Sent my daughter miles away without me for the first time (to be with her dad for Christmas)

Disowned my brother, then…Re-owned? my brother

Started a very unique friendship with the guy a fell in love withs father, then ended it (really didn’t want to)

Truly saw my mother as a person 1st and my mom 2nd..

Went on trip for a life changing job interview (another long distance drive)

Moved 3 times in one month

disconnected from religion

Lived on a store front… and the year still isn’t over…. cheers to growing up!!

Backinlook

Friday afternoon I was swamped at work. Well…more like drowning….

I was sitting at my desk looking at the amount of work I had and I thought, this is what people mean when they say there’s not enough time in the day. As I was sitting there stressing out I thought…where was I five years ago that day?…

My daughter and I had just moved to Tampa and I had been desperately looking for a job. I applied at numerous companies from call center agencies to fast food places. I had never struggled with finding work in my life until then. I felt completely useless. A mother to a one year old and I can’t even provide for her. During those days to make myself useful I would wake up with my daughter, make us breakfast, watch sesame street, get us dressed, clean up a little, then head to the library. It was a pretty good distance away from where we were staying, so I would fix our snacks, prepare her diaper bag and start walking(didn’t have a car of course). I went to get DVD’s and books with teaching my daughter sign language, spanish, shapes, colors and whatever else I felt like getting really, I was poor and it was all free!

But I remember when I would wake up in the morning, opening my eyes to the morning light coming in and hearing people in our building leave. The cars starting, traffic on the road getting busier and louder….I would think…man I wish that were me. I wish I had a job to get to. I wish I was obligated to be somewhere other than a doctors appointment for my kid. I wish I was apart of the hustle and bustle, the morning rush. 

I remember feeling so depressed about not working. I felt like I was letting my daughter down. And sitting at my desk…remembering all that….I got teary eyed and just giggled. I wanted this so badly at one point….now….I wanted to scream lol. Now I wish I could just for a moment go back to the long walks under that mid day heat, my kids toothless grin and the simplicity of having absolutely nothing to do…Next time I’ll be more specific about the things I want before I send those thoughts out. On the brighter side, I’m off on the weekends and there were times when I had to work them…Thankful.

Anyway I loooove these pink roses, I need to get some for my desk…😊

Out-n-about 16|4|17 

  • My life is Topsy turvy right now. All over the place.. Nothing makes sense. But despite all the crazyness I have to keep some type of normal for my kid. So what I like to do is go out n about. We find something to do.This past weekend we went to Bay Shore Blvd. Linear park. It’s kind of like a long walk path along side water and the otherside big beautiful homes. I decided to take my daughter and my brothers soon to be step kids, so we could get some fresh air and so they could detach from all the electronics. On our way from the parking garage we passed this gated community park. It looks extremely beautiful and fancy and exclusive… It looks like a specially made fancy park for the wealthy people that live in that neighborhood. Since I am none of those things I ignore the park, anytime I pass it. I imagine myself walking up out of curiosity and then someone stopping me at the gate saying “where is your pass to enter?” “Oh I don’t have one, I didn’t realize..” “Oh but yes you must be a resident and have your pass in order to enjoy this park.” And then I walk away feeling like a bum. So I tried to pretend like I didn’t see it hoping they wouldn’t ask to go inside. They said something like oooh look at that-but I quickly cut them off and said I can’t wait for you guys to see the Blvd!!!  We get there and they seemed to enjoy it. We walked a little, found a bench and ate our snacks while looking at the water. It was nice before the mosquitoes started attacking us and the food. We packed up the trash into one bag and started walking again. I dumped the trash as we were walking and talking about the water, how it was moving fast, what could be in it, what would happen if one of them fell in, whether I would leave them in it or try to help. I advised I cannot swim and it would be unfortunate if I came with 3 kids and went home with any less. We would stop at the little workout stations along the path and pretend to do workouts. Soon we got tired and started to head back. As I was walking back I realized I wasn’t holding any keys… I didn’t have any pockets or purse… Then I remembered I used one of the bags the snacks were in to hold the keys and apparently forgot, dumping the trash and keys. Once I explained this to the kids they were more than happy to run ahead and start digging through the trash to find the bag that had the keys. Yep we are in a fancy neighborhood, laughing, screaming, scratching from mosquito bites and digging through trash cans, amongst the upper middle class… Soon they found the bag,  got the keys and yelled “we found the keys!!!” I yelled hooray! We found the treasure! It was really funny and embarrassing at the same time. On our way back we came up on the fancy park and again they said oooo ooooo can we just look. From the outside I could see water shooting up from the ground and little kids in their bathing suits laughing and playing. So I looked at them and said ok…only for a little. Before we walked through the gates I read the park rules; didn’t mention anything about passes or only being for wealthy people so we proceeded inside. It was beautiful. Of course what started off as just going to look, turned into a shoes off, running through the water fully clothed extravaganza. But they had fun. Successful out n about end to the weekend✔